I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize