A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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