Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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