there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
bring money and cleavage
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
