my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
