If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
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