How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
