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I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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