I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
