So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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