It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
