I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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