Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
