apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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