rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
