Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize