I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
