I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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