i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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