I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
