haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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