well I can't set my house on fire every night
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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