Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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