dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Randomize
