If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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