Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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