Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
