Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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