well I can't set my house on fire every night
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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