I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
