Where is the hickey?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
