I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
