you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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