It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
