According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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