hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
