im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
