I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize