My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
