When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
