Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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