You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
