i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
