Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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