I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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