the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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