someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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