Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
