your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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