he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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