Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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