Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
