I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Randomize
