bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
