I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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