when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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