I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
