They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
