Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
