i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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