yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize