I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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