I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize