I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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