I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
